Best. Complaint. Letter. Ever.

Cutting-edge complaining. Here's why:

1) It builds on the classic foundation - an agonized resignation that the effort made in complaining will bear no fruit:

'You can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day...'

The hopelessness! Who among us could fail to be touched by such despair? Surely Voltaire in his time penned one or two notes such as this.

2) Signaling 'greatness ahead', it springs to its raison d'etre - high-water marks for failure:

'Inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible.'

No letter of complaint can transcend without citing a precedent-setting level of inadequacy.

3) It continues to transcend the pedestrian by engaging in bracingly unnecessary side issues:

'I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes.'

This crafty diversion coyly plants the idea: 'What horrors must this fellow have been subjected to in order - not only to undertake such an action - but to be compelled to recount it afterward!' An inspired bit of business, drawing the reader near.

4) It enlists allies via some well-rendered rants:

'You irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.'

Why, we know such people! Now, the writer is revealed as our hero. He fights for us!

5) It inspires, sweeping us up in a giddy romp of disrespect:

'Enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company.'

Here the writer is driven to something beyond words, which suddenly fall into inadequacy. He scours his universe for some symbol to embody his distain. When he discovers it, we are uplifted. A triumph of the human spirit!

Truly this is a masterwork of its genre. Gaze on it, ye malcontents, and despair!

(In case the link goes down, here is a back-up link to the same letter, on another site.)

RELATED: The automatic complaint-letter generator

Linked at Basil's Blog, Beltway Traffic Jam, Cafe Oregano, bRight & Early, Jo's Café, Stop the ACLU, Mudville Gazette, Cao's Blog, Euphoric Reality, Wizbang!, The Political Teen, Point Five, My vast right wing conspiracy.